Is people-pleasing selfish?

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Author

Alex Mathers
July 11, 2025

It's amazing how many people I've come across who live for others at the expense of their own joy.

They developed a habit of trying their utmost to make others happy.

In a funny kind of way, unhappiness, strife and martyrdom for many can be a form of happiness.

However, it can be a painful route to take, especially if you seek a better alternative.

What if putting others before you wasn't as 'selfless' as it appeared?

What if we did everything we could to please others because we were scared of being judged?

That's self-protection.

That's a desire to look good in the eyes of others.

That's avoiding rejection.

That's a form of selfishness.

I told this to a client of mine, and he paused a moment as his eyes widened.

Often, seeing the flip side of what we regarded as FACT can be enough to change one's behaviour for life.

What if people-pleasing was selfish?

What if putting others first at the expense of your own joy and energy was selfish, because what others need most is the REAL, HAPPY, ENERGISED you?

What if putting your needs FIRST was one of the most selfless things you could do?

I told him to spend the next week being 10% more assertive for what he wanted.

He came back the week after and told me he'd gone to the cinema by himself like a badass.

Changing your life begins by challenging defunct thoughts.

'What do I currently believe that I might be wrong about?'

What's the flip side?

What tiny action can I take this week to live in the reality of this UPDATED truth?

These are the kinds of questions we ask in my course:

Let Go of the S#it that Weakens You: 15 steps to rewire your mind so you care less about what others think

This 15-part course contains exercises in each step that gradually rewire your thinking, with the following benefits:

  • You realise your true confidence and self-love

  • You detach yourself from being overly concerned about what others think.

  • Your anxiety fades.

  • You feel strangely more optimistic and more willing to take actions that lead to success.

Much love,

Alex